Butterfly

I've been trying for so long to become something that I have forgotten to appreciate who I am.

25 years since I started taking classes, trying to figure out what career, what job, what calling.

And so many years of just trying things, losing interest, trying again. Too hard, too weird, too math heavy.

Even the things I thought I would like because I had obsessively read about them, like home design, didn't have enough power to really draw me in.

But lately, I have been thinking about how my search has come from a place of constant anxiety. A sort of self gnawing nervousness that keeps me searching for something I can't identify. And if I can't identify what I am searching for, then I am in a constant state of overwhelm and self loathing that I can't complete something that doesn't have any defined parameters.

It's like trying to catch a butterfly.

And then I realized that the best  way to catch a butterfly might not be to jump, flailing wildly in the air, grabbing at everything that has a monarch wing.
My erratic behavior would just scare it away.

So maybe I should try stillness. Sweeten my thoughts toward myself. Pollinate. And maybe, just maybe, the butterfly I need will alight on me.